I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
