Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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