I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
