My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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