I want to make a zoo with you.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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