So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
my liver is dry heaving
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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