i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
