Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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