I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
