i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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