in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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