You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
