I looked at my own cervix.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
