We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
