I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
