Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
