How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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