what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
whose ass print is on the piano?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
