Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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