i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I will pee on everything he values.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
