I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
my poor anus
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
