Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
