Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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