drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
