it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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