A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
