Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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