So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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