she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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