I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
