Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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