Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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