I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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