I just pynch a tree in the face
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
