and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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