Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
