Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
as a side note pls kill me
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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