i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
