I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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