True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
