I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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