So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
