god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
