Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
