I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
