Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
