you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
someone owes me an orgasm
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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