My Higher Power is John Stamos
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
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