Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
