My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
