i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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