my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
