Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
