My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
His nipple licking is glorious
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