On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
